Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
