I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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