i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I need to align my fucking chakras
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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