why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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