I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
