he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I have aggressive nipples.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
