my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
