Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
