I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
