Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
