hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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