My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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