hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
