maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
