i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
