I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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