tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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