Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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