she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
