worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
