The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
should my penis look like a turkey
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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