I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
