it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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