please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
