I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
