my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
