Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
