Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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