Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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