I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
