$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
