wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
