wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
