He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
