you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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