he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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