just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
