You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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