TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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