I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
