tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
