Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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