So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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