I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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