4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
accomplished twins. life is a go
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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