I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
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