whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
