If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
