If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
