You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
even my farts smell like vagina
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Randomize
